It’s 2035. Humane Ai Pin thrives. It’s everywhere. However..
Well, let’s start with the obvious: Pickpockets never had it easier; it’s a problem. It’s stupid. Some paranoid people are starting to wear Ai Pins on their crotches to avoid being mugged. Then, they squeeze their crotches and start talking out loud in public. This has to stop. We developed a universal social nod – “eyebrows up and eyes sideways” to silently say “oh sorry, I wasn’t talking to you”. We are always talking when in public, but not actually to anybody who is physically there. If you never knew Ai Pins existed, you would think that humans now talk nonstop to little pet creatures that they carry everywhere, lodged in their armpits. It’s rather confusing, but you’ll get used to it. Social media went from “opinion content” to “witnessing” narrative making, like almost.. overnight. The good old days of jumping into people’s conversations on old social apps gave way to sharing what you see other people do or say, all.. the.. fucking.. time. By the way.. “Apps!” Ha! Sounds funny saying it out loud. Anyway, those whose perspectives on something that they captured in person (or ‘witnessed’, just kill me!) is the cutest, most powerful and more annoying one who gets the followers now. And by the way, it’s not followers anymore. It’s all about “witnessing” now. 🤮 And yes, I still use emojis. Occasionally. Sue me! Honestly, I don’t even want to go there. There’s a lot of interesting things happening right now, and social media isn’t one of them. If you can’t wait, ask Kara Swisher. She’s the one with the most witnesses on Supernova (@yourmumkara) and she’ll predict and report in brutal detail the bankruptcy of your favourite app. One after the other. She has like 15 children, 10 of which are tech journalists, 1 is a Michelin star chef, 2 are mind readers and the last two are “still being trained”. She’s also accused of being the real maker of Compound V, using it on her children so they could find her lost Bitcoins. Bitcoin doesn’t exist anymore. She never found hers, and that was never proved. Where is your internet now? Well, there are only 4 big social companies. Everything else got wiped away as they were basically copies of themselves. There’s one for video – I’m sure you know FlixTube, when Netflix and YouTube merged? There are two companies that offer live holo-chats – one belongs to Apple and the other belongs to Tok, a giant Chinese conglomerate, a sort of twin-like competitor on the East. Lastly, there is the largest and more popular one called Supernova – where all personal and other types of Ai content is published and consumed. I’d be here all day explaining how it all works and I don’t have that kind of time today so, just think of a solar-powered big ass place where every Ai pixel or sensebite (sound, sensation, scent, taste) that is generated by humans and by Ai lives, is parsed and gets consumed. We no longer have Google/Android though.😭 Alphabet is now in the education business and if you plan on having kids, those damn holobracelets are too fucking expensive. But hey, your kid will be able to swear at you in at least ten different languages in about a week. Remember OpenAi? It’s Apple’s, along with Microsoft and everything West of the world, except for FlixTube which has proven itself to be just unkillable. Sam Altman became a unicorn. No, literally! Nobody knows where his actual self is these days, apart from his unicorn holo-double who lives inside Supernova giving people advice on how to build and run their own bots, mental kung-fu and the art of cake-making. Total star! And before you ask, yes Elon Musk is alive, for fuck’s sake! And no, we never went to Mars. No one is even trying. That X thingie he had was literally the first legacy social media to disappear and he has completely gone out of the tech business. No more rockets, EVs, brain implant, tunnel shit or any other business in tech from him. Those industries are all occupied by other brands and people, and the only way he could have been in that many managing places is if he was besties with Brian Johnson. More on him later. After cashing out, that dude became the first human quadrillionaire and now sells overpriced lab-engineered burger patties that (allegedly) make you younger. Nobody really knows whether it really works just yet, but the man is now 64 and looks like 30. He stopped making babies.. at about 42. Yeah, 42 babies and a whole new codex of characters. Some believe that he keeps the magic sauce for himself, and that the burger patties have only a fraction of the joojoo that he discovered. It’s been deemed safe to eat though. At present he’s trying to get funded for some sort of cake-making business. Burger tastes all right. I guess the big one has been Police body-cams. They were decommissioned as legacy tech in record time – a 3 year only nationwide programme in the US – for a customised version of Ai Pins that is used instead by every single officer. It took only 5 more years for law enforcement agencies of all major developed countries to adopt the system as well. Developing countries are expected to have their enforcement agencies equipped with Ai Pins by 2045, so we keep hearing. With Ai quickly identifying criminals by their biometric data, petty crime rates dropped quickly in the first 3–4 years of its adoption. They bounced right back up as “phacking” techniques evolved. Analogue to p-hacking (data hacking/butchering), criminals found a creative way to slightly tweak their appearance and voice to confuse police. Identify theft is still a major pain in the neck, but in a way, it could be seen now as a legacy crime. Having your biometrics hijacked – I think this is now called “biojack” – is a much more serious problem. Pffft.. and we were all once sooo afraid of Deepfakes. Police was the first non-public sector to adopt Ai Pins at scale, even though a ban on personal Ai devices still exist for most government workers, public servants and other representatives while on government premises, it is allowed as a personal device outside and on public spaces. Physiotherapists worldwide are concerned with the amount of people seeking remedies for neck pain and recommend “pinheads*” to alternate the side that they use their Ai Pins. BlackBerry thumb vibes.. Pinheads* is kind of a recent term that is both endearing and derogatory. Pinheads are pin collectors, modders, and very socially active (annoying) users. They are also called that way by über-late adopters – another new term for hardcore late and legacy tech keepers – who still use smartphones and tablets, on their own, even though they stopped being sold like 5 years ago. With plenty of Pins, eyeglasses, rings, bracelets, necklaces, shoes, full clothing sets and even belt buckles with Ai, the smartphone became the new dumbthing and there are still a few sad people out there using them. Speaking of life and death, Brian Johnson “kinda” died trying to implant an Ai Pin in his head in 2028. He’s fine. He keeps saying that his death was a total fabrication of the new-witnessing media, but everybody knows that he keeps living off one of his many cloned bodies. He’s a major lobbyist in the EU for human organ cloning and is actually the second quadrillionaire in history. He sold Monster Juice for an obscene fortune, and then got sued by the buyer who claimed his industrial secret was just plain fruit and vegetables (mostly broccoli). He won in the courts and for a while now owns Bluepath Enterprises. A company that does guess what? Yes, human and animal tissue regen and organ cloning. He looks like a non-elderly teenager now, and even though he keeps shaving it, we can all clearly see that little mohawk tuff of hair that started to grow in the middle of his forehead. Just adorable. Well, I just thought you’d like to know what’s been up and where you’re headed to. If this Ai thing that I’m working on at the moment pans out, I’ll be able to keep sending you good old emails straight off my today’s without having to remortgage my pod habitat – WITHOUT my lady killing me in the process. So, talk soon. Maybe. You’ll be fine. Just keep thinking 'pain in the neck'. And listen to physiotherapists. Take care of yours. #humane #wearables #google #apple #tech #apps #future
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